


love and loss

by safelikespringtime



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I Love You, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:35:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26970751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/safelikespringtime/pseuds/safelikespringtime
Summary: “Steve?” Bucky’s voice comes soft from behind him, and Steve turns around just in time to watch his best friend disappear. He walked over, emotionally shutting down as he knelt where his best friend had just stood, touching the ground beneath him.It took him a moment to register before he was on his feet again, “Sam!” his voice called across the battlefield, painfully empty compared to how it had been just minutes beforehand. He pressed the com in his ear, “Has anyone seen Sam?”
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	love and loss

**Author's Note:**

> Months ago, I did a thing on twitter where people submit a timestamp and a ship and I shuffle my songs and write a short drabble about the ship based on the line of the song it lands on. One person chose SamSteve and the timestamp 2:20. It landed on: Fly Me to the Moon – The Macarons Project, the lyrics were...“In other words, I love you”
> 
> This is what came of it.

“Steve?” Bucky’s voice comes soft from behind him, and Steve turns around just in time to watch his best friend disappear. He walked over, emotionally shutting down as he knelt where his best friend had just stood, touching the ground beneath him.

It took him a moment to register before he was on his feet again, “Sam!” his voice called across the battlefield, painfully empty compared to how it had been just minutes beforehand. He pressed the com in his ear, “Has anyone seen Sam?”

“I think I saw him shot down,” Rhodey’s voice crackled over the feed, “But I can’t find him.”  
A sinking feeling swelled in Steve’s stomach and he swayed in his spot, Thor grabbing to his shoulder before he could fall, “Hey, he could yet be alive. Don’t…don’t lose hope.”

Steve took a shaky breath, clapping Thor’s shoulder lightly as he straightened himself, speaking into the com’s again, “Can I get a sound off on who’s still here? Then gather at the city square.”

It was an hour or so before everyone mobile was gathered at the square, Steve struggling to find the words to console them and figure what they were to do, the whole time scanning the crowd for any sign of Sam. He knew he’d been _Captain America_ for years now, but sometimes he still felt like the kid from Brooklyn with a shitty immune system, and this was one of those moments, the fear that rolled through him overwhelmingly similar to that when his mother had come down with TB.

In the days that followed Steve scoured the battlefield over and over again for Sam’s body, Rhodey searching from the sky where he could, him searching for the ground. Wakanda looked like a different place than it had when he’d arrived, grounds that used to be so full of life and abundance, now a hazy ash, haunted by the loss of war. _Loss_. At this point he knew that Sam probably wasn’t alive…but whether he was physically there for him to mourn or just a memory, Steve wasn’t sure which would be worse.

“Steve,” Nat approached Steve quietly, her fingers wrapping around his wrist to stop him from walking any further. “Steve you’ve gotta accept that he’s gone.”

Steve knew he did, but he couldn’t stop the way his eyes narrowed towards her, “I lost Bucky…again,” he mumbled, breath trembling, as if finally saying it out loud was making the fact official. “I can’t lose Sam too, Nat. I can’t. Not him.”

A moment passed before Steve found himself in Nat’s arms, collapsing into the familiar hold. The pair stood, holding one another in silence, Steve’s body wracking with heavy sobs for the loss of his friends, Nat smoothing her fingers down his back slowly. She wasn’t good at this comforting thing. Not really…sure she’d done it with Clint’s kids a couple times but when it came to comforting adults, she was well out of her element.

“I’m going to stay in the quinjet,” Steve breathed as they approached the city, it had been so long on the run that that was home, and he needed the comfort of it after the loss.

“Are you sure?”

Steve hated the pity that lay evident on Nat’s features, giving her a quick nod in response as he turned on his heel and headed for the quinjet. Stepping into the vehicle and pressing the button to close it behind him. A wave of nausea rolled through Steve’s body and he heaved a breath. Everywhere he looked he could see remnants of Sam, of the life they’d shared, the little family the two of them, and Nat had made.

_“Y’know one day after all this is over, I’m gonna cook you a real meal,” Sam said, handing down the bowl of whatever pre-packaged garbage they had left. “Gonna use one of my old family recipes. Guaranteed, best meal you’ll ever eat.”_

_Steve grinned, “I look forward to it,” he chirped, craning his neck for a kiss, to which Sam easily complied._

_Nat watched them from her place, leaned against the frame of the small bunks with a relaxed smile on her face, “I better be invited, I’m not spending months stuck in this jet with the two of you being all mushy and gross without compensation.”_

Steve forced himself to shower before crawling into the bunk, still untouched since he and Sam had woken earlier that week. He pulled the pillow against his face, taking a deep breath of the familiar scent, before letting the stress of the past few days settle on him, tears spilling down his cheeks at the loss of his friends and of the war.

***

Facing Thanos the second time around was one of the most terrifying experiences in Steve’s life, the battle cries and sounds of alien tech echoing around his mind, bringing back memories he’d tried for years to work past. Legions of Chitauri and their Leviathans and other alien fighters that Steve couldn’t identify began appearing around Thanos, and even though he’d done his best, Steve didn’t have high hopes to come out on top in this, he didn’t know if Bruce’s efforts had been successful, the building had blown before they could be sure…nobody had shown up to help them, and though he’d fought with as much strength he could muster, he was making peace with the fact this could very well be the end for him, he just had to fight for what humanity was left, and _pray_ that he made a difference before it was too late.

Thanos was having what Sam used to call ‘a villains monologue’, and Steve was lying in the dirt, the coppery taste of blood on his lip, the ache of a lifetime of fighting and loss weighing on his shoulders. There was so little hope within him, that for a fraction of a second, he wanted to just lie there and let the inevitable come for him. But he’d never given up on a fight. And he wasn’t about to now. Forcing himself to his feet, Steve tightened the band of the shield, squaring himself off, a man standing alone in front of an army of thousands. He would do this, for those he lost, for those they’d tried to bring back, for those who were still with him here…somewhere.

“Hey, Cap, you read me?” Sam’s voice crackled through the com’ system, and Steve froze, his eyes glazing over, gaze darting around in disbelieving hope. “Cap, it’s Sam. Can you hear me?”

Five years.

Five long years.

Five years of nightmares and crying himself to sleep.

Five years of contemplating an out from all this _bullshit_. Five years with only his memories and one voice message on his phone of a sleep deprived Sam telling him he was handsome from back when they’d first met.

Five years of realising he never got to tell Sam that he loved him, even though Sam had told him before the fight had started.

Five years of guilt and pain and forcing a smile for everyone else in the room.

“On your left.”

Steve turned, his knees _almost_ giving out as he watched the portal open, and T’Challa and Shuri walk through with Okoye, his heart hammering in his chest at the sight of them. Steve could cry, his breathing heavy as it settled on him. They were _alive._ Which meant _Sam was alive_.

A moment passed before Sam soared through the portal, and Steve’s face broke into the first genuine smile he’d had in what felt like forever, relief rushing over him in waves that made his footing sway.

***

“Steve?” Sam’s voice was quiet, the loss of Tony weighing heavy against everyone’s chest, the fight ending in bitter victory with his loss.

Steve turned, throwing his arms around Sam the moment he was close enough, “Sam,” he choked, fingers grasping to the fabric of his suit, face pressing into his neck. As Sam’s arms found their way around Steve, he felt all the weight and regret lifting off him, just for a moment. Steve’s tears soaked into Sam’s shoulder and they stood there silently holding one another for long enough for half the team to disperse.

Once he’d calmed enough, Steve pulled back, his hand cupping the side of Sam’s face. “I thought I lost you,” he mumbled, breath trembling as he struggled to find the words he wanted to say. “I thought I was delusional when I heard your voice. Couldn’t believe it for a moment. But here you are, you’re right here in front of me and we did it, _we did it_ ,” his words choked a bit, knowing what the win had cost them. Nat, Tony, and so many others. “You’re _here_.”

Sam smiled a little, letting Steve hold him as much as he needed. He knew it must’ve been hard, five whole years. “I’m here, Steve.”

Steve kissed Sam gently, their lips lingering against one another, before he dropped his head to press their foreheads together, “I love you so much,” he breathed out. “I didn’t say it, but I do. I love you so fucking much and…” he trailed off, looking at Sam, who was looking at him with so much love and care.

“I love you too, Steve.”


End file.
